Monday, May 24, 2010

Coming back from the grip of despair

It can be difficult to crawl out of a hole when we have let that hole grow very deep. It doesn't happen consciously of course. But the big hole is there and it can sometimes be difficult to see the top or even begin to imagine how to climb out of it.

I have said many times over the past several weeks, "Man, it is just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can verbalize that I believe that there is a light there, I can even see others that seem to be near the end of their tunnel but I just can't see it." I was thankful to be verbalizing it and I am trusting it is there.

I have never gone through a time when my faith has felt so tested. I felt weak, scared, panicked and alone. Very, very alone. Despair was right there. It pushed me into tears and feelings of confusion, fear, guilt and even regret. nasty stuff. It felt like 27 years of emotions were trying to bubble to the surface. It is so difficult to allow that with a 4 year old that just wants mom to be "happy" and told us so. I was looking at what lies immediately before me and it was overwhelming. Medical bills, medical procedures, questions that need answering, kids that have many wants and needs, insurance claims to be answered. Was I doing enough? Could there be more to try? Watching Mike's suffering. Watching David struggle with eyes that move in opposite directions - again. I need to get a job - but how will I get these boys to all their appointments? The list went on. And of course there are always the ugly words from even the most well intended people who don't understand but in their ignorance can cut through your heart like a knife. But I continued to pray and read my Bible.

"Give us this day our daily bread" what words of comfort. I have realized that sometimes it is okay just to look at today. Today God has supplied all my needs and the needs of those he has entrusted to my care. He promises to continue to do so. God has put some incredible people in my life to help me on this journey. I haven't been letting them help me. How silly. I asked for help and they have answered with open arms. God answers prayer.

What I have learned is that when I am focused only on my own situation (inward) it is very easy to slip into despair. But when we are focused on our purpose in life - why we are here - that all goes away. We are here to glorify God and encourage each other in our walk toward home.

I have found some amazing people lately. They encourage others even though they sruggle. Go here and watch how this young woman who is awaiting a double lung transplant while enduring hours of treatments, and illness still helps others by answering any question you have about CF and her journey and uses her incredible gifts in writing on her blog. Her gentle spirit that continues to look outward and encourage others is motivating. Thank you Piper.

Then there is Sarah, a young mother who is trying to figue out how to transition her 7 year old son to his heavenly home, while still meeting the needs of two younger siblings - touches close to my heart. She just posted a blog recently that said please don't stop talking to us. In her blog she shares how you can help those going through grief. She continues to give. I have been encouraged by her words and her strength. Thank you Sarah.

I have also been encouraged by my friends who have sent me cards, little gifts, taken me out to eat, dropped off cookies and goodies for the boys, babysat so I could be with Mike,or have called to check in. What a blessing you all are! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

If you have said an encouraging word to me lately, thank you. If you have said anything at all and not avoided me, I thank you. If you have prayed for us, I thank you. My faith feels strong again. For that I thank you God.

"Therefore as we have opportunity let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:10

God, allow me to encourage others as you have seen to encouraging me. Amen
Blessings everyone! Encourage someone today!
edited to add:
P.S. And if you had to endure me being kind of a b*!ch during this trying time I'm SORRY - and thanks for understanding :)

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